Fore-Lorn at the U.S. Open

The 2007 U.S. Open will be a test of skill and patience for the world’s top golfers. With undulating greens and deep, thick rough, players will have their work cut out for them, and a winning score well over par is a very real possibility.

Oakmont Country Club, site of this year’s Open, is said to be one of the most difficult courses in the United States. In fact, the course’s website comes right out and says it:

“Oakmont remains perhaps the most difficult course in North America, with 180 deep bunkers, hard and slick greens that slope away from the player, and tight fairways requiring the utmost precision.”

That doesn’t sound like a golf course. That sounds like a level of hell.

A closer look at golfer purgatory reveals that there are certain holes that simply are not fair.

Number eight is a terrifying par three that reaches nearly 300 yards. It is protected by a 100-yard long bunker that is named after the world’s largest desert: Sahara.

The par five number 12 is nearly 670 yards, and it is home to 20 evil sand traps. The course report recommends that a golfer use a three-wood to hit the sloping fairway, followed by a long iron to place the approach between bunkers, then a wedge shot onto the green, which tilts away from the fairway at a completely unfair angle. If anyone is capable of completing that hat trick of shots, he is the best golfer in the world…and he is cheating.

The finishing hole is a 484-yard par four that didn’t get enough hugs as a child. With bunkers to the left and bunkers to the right, accuracy and dumb luck are essential. The green resembles a crumpled burger wrapper and has no hole. Golfers will be putting forever.

Vijay Singh believes that a score of 10 or 12 over par may win this year’s Open. Tiger Woods’ strategy is to “not make bogeys.” Jon Daly would prefer a night at home with his wife over teeing it up at Oakmont. And yet, they all will be trying their best to tame the Open beast.
I will be watching from the relative safety of my couch, and I will love every minute of it.

You see, every time I hit the links, I want nothing more than to emulate Tiger or Phil or Kevin Costner’s character from Tin Cup. But it just isn’t happening.

My drives have a mind of their own, my irons never hit their targets, and my putts breed like rabbits. I spend more time in the rough than I do in the fairway, and I read greens about as well as I read Chinese.

This weekend at the Open is the best chance my game has of resembling that of a pro golfer. It will be refreshing to see the best golfers in the world struggling through their rounds. If I’m lucky, I might even see someone break a club, break an arm, or break 90. For once, Ernie Els and Co. will know what it is like to be Joe Golfer, complete with four putts and dirty words.

In fact, these big-timers could probably learn a little from my many golf mistakes. I may just be the supreme authority on bad shot recovery, courtesy of the frequency by which it happens to me.

Deep rough: Position your feet a little more than shoulder width apart, grip your five iron tightly, close your eyes, and swing as hard as you can. If done correctly, you should have no idea where your shot is going or where it went.

Sand: Dig feet deep into the trap for stability, hold sand wedge head high and drive it through the sand below your ball. If the ball is still in the trap, repeat but swing harder.

Long putts: Address your ball, look up at the hole once to get your bearings, wind up, smack your ball, and pray that it ends up closer to the hole than where you started. Repeat until done.

Of course, being millionaire golfers with swing coaches and such, these guys probably have their own ways of escaping trouble. In normal events, we don’t get to see them use their stroke-saving maneuvers often enough. This weekend, though, they will have ample opportunity to show off their recovery skills.

Seeing Tiger swinging from under a tree will be exciting because I’ve been there before. Watching Phil take two strokes getting out of a fairway bunker will be nice because I’ve spent at least that long in the same situation. And catching Justin Rose carding an eight will be sweet because I average a snowman on most holes.

One thing’s for sure, playing Oakmont may be hell but watching will be heaven.